FROM 2-1. Sydney-Equator

Goldfish, protocol and crackers

The problem with having done this once before is the Goldfish problem. The goldfish has no short term memory, so every time it swims around its bowl, past the plastic mermaid, it sees the mermaid effectively for the first time ‘Hi mermaid!’…’Hi mermaid!’…’Hi mermaid…’ I want to tell you all about the proper protocol for cheese crackers but I think I have done it before somewhere. If I start to get repetitive, Isabella, just shout ‘Hi mermaid!’ at me.

Anyway – cheese crackers. Anyone who went to state school in the UK or Oz will remember lunch boxes and cream crackers (UK), Saos (Oz) or Ryvita and all the other proprietary names for hardened gritty cardboard. I don’t remember them because I’m too old and anyway, I went to a slightly posher boarding school where lunch boxes were only for the other lot. Can’t you feel me blushing with shame already? Well anyway, yer average cracker has a pattern of tiny holes in it – (why I dunno, does anyone? – research project for Belmore South perhaps?) – and the only way to pack a pair of crackers with cheese, tomato, devon (bleah!)salami, marmite or vegemite or some kind of dead fish or bird was with so much butter on each cracker that when you squeezed them together with your teeth as you struggled to bite into them and at the same time keep it all together, little worms of butter were extruded through the holes and ended up all over your nose, exercise book or wherever. This had a secondary purpose, in that all that butter tended to hold the broken bits of cracker to the filling as you tried desperately to wind your tongue around every little greasy crumb. Marmite and vegemite ones were specially good because the worms were stripey brown and yellow – true culinary art forms!

I’ve just been there – ryvita type crackers, essentially soggy cheese that all the oil has run out of and into the plastic pack and several millimetres of again almost melted olive oil margarine. And worms all over my nose, fingers, chin – everywhere. Yum!

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